Note: this post was previously posted on Medium on October 21 2023, was then imported to Substack a year later (edited and with added content), and now has been imported to Beehiiv on March 2026.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m making this post for purely selfish reasons.

When I first published Pillow Forts and Hurricanes, I immediately saw people sharing their enthusiasm about the story by saying “omg yes I love ace stories”, and now I’m seeing the exact same thing happening with In The Care Of Magic. Don’t get me wrong, I love that readers are excited about my books, but it always upsets me to see aromantic identities erased and misinterpreted as asexual.

I know many people might not know too much about aspec identities in general (including other queer people), so I thought about making a post with some basic info for everyone.

An asexual person is someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction toward other individuals. They are not drawn to people sexually or tend to not desire to act upon their attraction to others in a sexual way.

Asexual people can experience attraction on the romantic, aesthetic, or sensual spectrums, but usually not a physical, sexual attraction (note: some asexual people do feel some degree of sexual attraction).

The word “asexual” is often shortened as “ace”.

Myth: all asexuals are sex repulsed.

↳ this is not true. There can be sex repulsed/averse asexuals, but every ace person has different feelings about sex. There can be sex neutral/indifferent and sex favorable asexuals too. Some ace people despise or are disgusted even just by the idea of sex, some only enjoy talking or reading about it but not doing it, and others might even not be comfortable with acts like kissing or cuddling despite the actions not being sexual per se. Some asexual people still have sex, too, for many different reasons (they might physically enjoy the act, they might enjoy being that close to their partner, etc…). Asexual people who have sex are still asexual, because being asexual is about your attraction and not your actions.

Myth: asexuality = celibacy.

↳ this is not true. Celibacy is the choice of abstinence from sex (often due to religious reasons). The two things don’t equate because (as mentioned above) what you feel and how you act are different things.

Myth: asexual people are completely sexually apathetic.

↳ this is not always true. Since the asexual label includes a huge variety of identities, it can happen that some asexual people don’t feel any type of sexual feelings at all, but it can also happen that some ace people have high libidos (which is usually just a state of general arousal and not directed to or enticed by another person). The latter doesn’t always end in said person deciding to have sex (or to even handle the arousal on their own).

Some different types of asexual identities:

Disclaimer: there are many more labels and identities, but these four are the most common/popular.

An aromantic person is someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction toward other individuals.

While the definition of “romantic attraction “ is often subjective, it is generally defined as a desire to have romantic contact or interactions with another person.

The word “aromantic” is often shortened as “aro”.

Myth: aromantic people never or can’t have relationships.

↳ This is not true. Of course, considering the lack of (or little) romantic attraction, many aromantic people are not interested in or feel no pull towards romantic relationships, but there are also aromantic people who choose to pursue romantic relationships — for many different reasons — just like there are asexual people who still have sex. Aromantic people are still capable of having meaningful, loving and long-lasting relationships with partners. These relationships can be both romantic or queerplatonic, depending on what the people involved feel is more appropriate for them.

Queerplatonic relationships (QPRs) are generally non-romantic intimate partnerships between two or more people. These partnerships are a very complex matter because they can change meaning and structure depending on what the people involved feel or want. Some queerplatonic relationships have some romantic aspects in them as well, some also have sex, some stay purely platonic. It’s almost impossible to have one single mold of what a QPR looks like.

People of any gender and sexuality can be in queerplatonic relationships.

Myth: queerplatonic relationships are “just friendships”.

↳ This is not true. Queerplatonic relationships are much more complex than friendships and go beyond them. They consists of emotional commitment and prioritization that is typically seen in a romantic relationship without being romantic (although, as mentioned before, some people might still enjoy a level or romance in them).

I also want to point out, that while QPR are a step further than friendships, that doesn’t make friendships any less meaningful or important. Those are incredibly important bonds as well, despite the fact that many try to bring them down all the time (a good example is simply the existence of a “just” before the word “friendship”).

Myth: aromantic people are heartless.

↳ This is not true. Aromanticism is an umbrella term related to romantic attraction, it has nothing to do with someone’s ability to feel love in general. Aromantic people are still capable of loving their families, friends and even partners.

Some different types of aromantic identities:

Disclaimer: there are many more labels and identities, but these four are the most common/popular.

Because many people think you can’t have sex without loving the person or that you can’t have a relationship without sex, when someone says they’re asexual, people immediately assume that they’re incapable of (romantic) love. I think that it’s because of this misconception of attaching sexuality to love, in addition to the general ignorance about the existence and meaning of the aromantic identity, that makes it so that the two identities are often conflated together, oftentimes completely erasing aromanticism from the picture without realizing.

While it is true that both labels often show up together and many people identify with both, as the words themselves say, asexuality is related to someone’s sexuality/sexual attraction, while aromanticism is related to someone’s romantic attraction. This means the two identities are not the same and they are not interchangeable.

A person can be both on the aromantic spectrum and the asexual spectrum (label: “aroace”), but people can also be solely aromantic or solely asexual. Someone could be sexually attracted to a person but feel no romantic attraction towards them, or they can feel romantic attraction but no physical attraction. The combinations are infinite and complex.

These two labels can also appear along with other identities. There’s thousands of ways in which asexual and aromantic people can feel regarding romance and sexuality, and sometimes those feelings are complicated and/or mix with other feelings or preferences. For example, someone can be a gay aroace, or an aro lesbian, or an ace heterosexual person (and yes, that would still make them queer).

Myth: aromanticism and asexuality aren’t part of the queer community.

↳ This is not true. They are both identities of the LGBTQIA+ community, and if someone says they don’t count as “queer enough”, then they’re simply a bigot. The A in the acronym stands exactly for those identities (and is commonly misinterpreted as standing for “ally”). Unfortunately, so many times this erasure comes from inside the community itself. Don’t let anyone tell you your feelings or identity aren’t valid—no one knows you better than yourself.

Myth: asexuality and romanticism are just a trauma response.

↳ this is not true. A person who had traumatic experiences, whether it was directly related to sex and relationships or not, might be hesitant or reluctant to engage in sexual activities and/or try a romantic relationship, or it might make them disgusted at its idea, or even make it so that their libido or sexual desires are obscured and ignored. However, that is a different situation. Trauma does not make someone asexual or aromantic, because those are related to sexual and romantic orientation, and the other scenarios are a trauma response.

It is appropriate to point out, however, that for the people who have had those traumatic experiences it might be harder to understand if they’re asexual or aromantic, and it might be harder for them to distinguish which feelings and fears are connected to which situation or identity.

Myth: being asexual and/or aromantic means there is something lacking from your life.

↳ this is not true. That sentence operates on the assumption that there is nothing to life other than sex and romantic pursuits. Ace and aro people can have extremely fulfilling and meaningful lives even without both of those things.

Note: because of how society operates and the importance that it gives to both sex and romantic relationships, sometimes it is true that ace and aro people can feel left behind or like they’re missing out on an experience they likely never even wanted in the first place—but that doesn’t mean that there’s actually something missing in their lives. A general example: sometimes a best friend finds a partner and suddenly has no more time for you (and it’s considered totally normal for them to be spending all their time only with their partner), and that leaves you longing for another meaningful friendship, or even a relationship, just so you don’t feel so lonely or abandoned again.

The general term to include all the asexual spectrum identities is ace-spec.

The general term to include all the aromantic spectrum identities is aro-spec.

The general term to include all the identities in both the ace and aro spectrum is a-spec. (however, as mentioned before, uniting the two identities together tends to still accidentally erase aromanticism, as the least known and understood identity of the two)

Someone who does experience romantic attraction and/or sexual attraction (meaning: someone who’s not aromantic and/or asexual) is called alloromantic and/or allosexual. You can be both or just one of them (example: someone can be allosexual because they experience sexual attraction, and at the same time be aromantic because they don’t experience romantic attraction). It’s usually shortened as “allo”, which can be both alloromantic or allosexual.

The term allonormativity refers to the idea that all humans experience sexual and romantic attraction. It can be considered an expansion of heteronormativity (the idea that heterosexuality is the default sexuality).

The term amatonormativity ferers to the assumption that all human beings pursue love or romance, especially by means of a monogamous long-term relationship.

And so on…

A book I personally do not recommend: Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else by Sarah Costello & Kayla Kaszyca — the authors have a podcast and the book reads excatly like that: like thoughts just flowing in a brainstorming-confusing kind of way. They are both white cis women and they mention having limited views because of that, and it feels very obvious while reading. The book is also full of Harry Potter references and a paragraph in which they vaguely excuse JKR’s behavior.

Do you have further questions about this topics that I forgot to mention in the post?

If you do, please comment and I’ll do my best to reply to you and expand on this.

Margherita is a reader and indie author from Italy. Xe used to publish under xyr real name, but now only publishes as Robin Jo Margaret for fantasy and monster romances, and R.J. Margaret for (human) contemporary stories.

If you want to support Margherita, you can leave xem a tip on Ko-fi, or buy books via xyr affiliate links on libro(.)fm and bookshop(.)org